Pretty damn depressed currently. I don’t know how to make myself feel better, I want something concrete to stand on, but it all seems like a black hole. There’s been a number of situations developing which have combined to give a big old black hole to me. Ugh.
OK then, strategies. Plan, think of others, gentle activities to do to keep me slightly out of the black hole and out of my head. Worst possible scenarios are coming very easily currently.
- Bits of exercise. Sadly, and part of my life, is that doing anything seems to cost LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY which when you live in one of the most expensive cities in the UK means you can pretty quickly find yourself out of pocket. So at least this is free, I’ve left the gym again for the umpteenth time as I never seem to use it. My gym smells quite a bit, is highly anti-social (its a gym, not a leisure centre) and is currently being renovated anyway so seems a good time to keep away for a bit. I’ve run 2 half marathons in the past 12 months and a 10k too, sadly with sub-par running shoes.
- Try and get enough sleep. Well this is a bit easier. I tend to sleep TOO MUCH which is just an escape from my situations (difficult home life, fairly isolated, lack of direction and difficulty coping with stress/responsibility so tend to fly off the handle rather quickly which is both exhausting, destructive and a pain for everyone around me). Still, in the height of summer, relaxing is pretty damn boring, and the internal film strip in my mind has a long stream of adventures, bungee jumping, wild friendships and relationships, interesting people, intrigue, etc. which rarely if ever live up to the external experience. Today for example, my colleague was debating whether to go to exercises or not tonight, and the hottest topic at work was ordering a desk lamp for someone. HOWEVER, a massive rat has just been seen in the back garden which is quite a thrill.
- Keep reaching out to people. This is gonna be tough, as I feel I’ve been rejected quite a bit by people over the years, partly because of me, partly because of them, partly because of life and now I’ve found myself in a stage where I’ve got pretty much NO ONE so I’m trying to sort this out a bit somewhat, but it doesn’t come naturally and I’ve found myself on a bit of autopilot currently, as I usually always tend to know where everyone is going to end up at the end of the night, at home with their respective partners. Hardly the building blocks for a wild night of random connection and joie de vivre right? So yeah, this is going to be quite a challenge, given I’m probably one of the most socially awkward people I’ve ever met. You name it, I’ve worried about it, often in company, and so I’m hardly the dancing social butterfly I’d like to be! But perhaps I could graduate to being some kind of caterpillar. So yes, if anyone would like to say hello to me, please do so, even though its not in the flesh, any kind of contact is good at this point.
- Keep some kind of routine. I guess this means you keep things in control and stop things sliding into chaos. So far today I’ve been to work, paid loads of invoices, covered a reception break, cycled 4 miles to and from work, been to get smoothie stuff from the supermarket, spoken to mum, sister, couple of friends via the old FB, tidied the kitchen and the bathroom, put a load of washing on and got a ‘new baby’ card from the supermarket ready to send off tomorrow. Writing a list is good, makes me feel a bit less worthless. Oh, and also done this blog. So tomorrow, I’ll try and – do some kind of short run depending how hot it is, perhaps a swim or something, and continue reaching out to people. Well, people I like, sadly another part of my disdain currently is lack of colleagues I really want to connect to, but maybe I just need to make a bit more effort there.
- Try and stop these nervous habits I’ve got. My throat is really tight currently, and I’m clicking my jaw and picking the skin off the side of my nails on my thumbs. Classic nervous tics I’ve had for years. Don’t know how to stop them, and much less stop the anxiety that causes them in the first place. I dunno, if I was a chimpanzee I’m sure I’d have been kicked out of the group long ago for not doing chimpanzee stuff, like refusing bananas or wanting to go and hang out with the hippos or something. Sheesh.
- As I’m typing this my SO is pacing backwards and forwards in front of me. This is un-nerving in itself.
- Try and keep hygienic. To be honest, i”m gagging to go wild crazy and loose like I used to, but I doubt the release it would offer me would transcribe into the sudden falling in love with me of others that happens in the movie in my head, which would again lead to crushing disappointment which would take me days/weeks to get over. Hey, mental resilience isn’t everyone’s forte.
- Due to my slight zombification due to situations beyond my control, I’ve had to accept things I don’t like, so now its got the stage where I’m learning that perhaps some things I have accepted are not right at all. Its a funny thing knowing where your boundaries are, especially in social terms. I swing between wanting to live in the woods like a hermit and living in a kibbutz or something, so I’m hard for people to keep up with.
OK, I’ll leave it there for now.
DISCIPLINE! 